5 Love hacks for dating
Choose Slow Love
Recent research from the Kinsey Institue on singles in America shows that now more than ever we want connection – what turns us on in a partner is trust, being able to rely on someone is the new sexy. We want to know if this person will be there for us in times of need (like a pandemic). And so it’s very important to get to know the person before we jump into bed with them. I’m not suggesting that casual hook-ups are bad, but the problem is that sex drives up dopamine in the brain and pushes us over the threshold toward falling in love. And it’s when we are flooded with dopamine, that we are more likely to bury the things we don’t like about the other person, and will instead only focus on what we adore about them – and we could convince ourselves that this is the right person for us even when they’re not.
Also the attachment we often feel to someone early on in a relationship is an artificial sense of attachment brought on by the sex we had, rather than an intimate emotional connection. That’s because orgasms bring on a rush of oxytocin and vasopressin which generate feelings of trust and attachment. Remember that these hormones are responsible for the last stage of love which is attachment. So it’s no wonder that people sometimes describe their amazing sexual experiences as profound soul-connections, but confusing great sex for deep feelings of attachment can be dangerous and can trap people in relationships or chasing people that are not good for them.
In fact, the chemical mix that occurs in the brain after sex as similar to the state induced by powerful drugs. When we are flooded with serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin and endogenous opioids (the body’s natural equivalent of heroin) post sex, we become addicted to this feeling and will crave more of it – like with any addiction – but we will attribute the feeling with that specific partner rather than with the sex or orgasm.
We need to understand that Love, is not an emotion typically linked with sex. It emerges mainly in the context of long-term mating.
Again, this is not to say that casual hook-ups are bad. In fact, research shows that both men and women enjoy hooking up – but only if their intentions were clear on just wanting to hook up. However, people who hope that the casual hook up would lead to a long-term relationship often report more regret following the hook-up.
Moreover, according to research women are actually less likely to reach orgasm with casual partners than with committed partners. Maybe this is due to the general sexual script that tends to value male pleasure over female pleasure in casual hookups. But it could also be that certain sexual activities that make it easier for women to climax (such as oral) may not be performed until couples are in committed relationships, and generally long term partners also learn how to please each other over time.
So if you want to be in a long-term committed relationship with a particular person, try to take it slower and build real intimacy first. According to research, the 3-date rule is trending again. So don’t feel pressured to have casual sex and take your time getting to know someone before you hook up with them. From an evolutionary perspective, slow love is actually adaptive—because the human brain is soft-wired to attach to a partner slowly. F-MRI brain scan studies by renowned anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher show that neural circuits for romantic love can be triggered instantly; but the primary circuit for deep attachment can take months, sometimes years, to activate. In other words, slow love is in alignment with our evolved brain circuits for romance and attachment.
Slow love is also a way that partnerships may become more stable. We know from research that the later you marry, the more likely you are to remain married and couples who date for one to three years are less likely to get a divorce compared to those who date for less than a year.
This takes us to the second Love- hack.
2. Learn how to please yourself sexually
Research consistently shows that singles tend to be less sexually satisfied. Although on the outside it may seem like singles have freedom of sexual opportunity, the research clearly shows that singles report less frequent sexual activity and lower levels of sexual satisfaction than people in committed relationships. But experiencing sexual pleasure does not have to be exclusive to sex with others. There’s still such a stigma around masturbation, especially for women, but it’s crucial that women discover their body and learn how to turn themselves on. This way they can feel more empowered and can increase their sexual experiences with others by being able to communicate their needs to sexual partners and learn to make it about them rather than just about the other person. When we learn to be sexually satisfied on our own, we will not attribute great sex with someone else.
3. Introduce them to your friends as soon as possible
Remember that the area of our brain responsible for mentalizing shuts down when we fall in love, which makes us lose the ability to tell someone’s intentions, and therefore makes it difficult for us to spot if someone’s deceiving us. That’s why I recommend introducing new partners to friends early on. Your friends will be able to see if someone is not good for you, or if they’re lying to you or maybe cheating on. And if they’re good friends, they will tell you the truth. If you’re worried that they will sugar-coat to protect your feelings, communicate to them that you want their honest opinion.
4. Get very clear on what you want
Before you even go out and date, you need to know exactly what you want in a partner and a relationship – that also means you need to be clear on what you don’t want. So know what your red flags and non-negotiables are to not waste your date’s or your own time. Again, to take the example of the show Love Is Blind- if you are someone who is very religious and values tradition, you should not consider committing to someone who doesn’t share your same values. Other examples include, the desire for marriage or having children. I have seen it too many times that people wait in hopes for their partners to change. They think that with time or maybe with their magic touch, the person will change their mind, or change their ways – but guess what, it never happens. When you get clear on what you want and also what you don’t want, you will be able to make better decisions in dating. This is why I always recommend journaling - you can get very clear about what you want when you write it down. Also you will be able to revert that list when you’re in the initial state of lust and wearing the rose-tinted glasses. You should check your list after a date and ask yourself: Is this person I’m seeing aligned with my values and with what I want? If the answer is no, then you need to move on, and trust that you can and will experience the same chemical experience with someone else who is right for you. Think of your journal like your sober self when you’re not high on lust.
5. Get sober
If you’re already addicted to those chemically-induced feelings that make you crave someone who’s not right for you, you will need to radically cut that person – the same way you would when you tried to get off a drug. Your lover is the fix you’re getting each time you’re with them, and you will experience withdrawal symptoms when they are away – you want your fix desperately. You crave and obsess.
I know you may say that you love them, but the question is: do they love you back? It’s like if you tried to go on a diet because you want to get healthier, and said: But I love cake. Yes, you may love cake, but cake may not love you back. Meaning that it’s in the way of your goal and your goal is to be healthy. If your goal is to be in a loving, meaningful relationship then wanting to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you back is definitely not going to make you reach your relationship goal.
So here’s something your friends or family won’t tell you, because they love and want to protect you, but if you have been repeatedly unlucky in love, maybe it’s time for you to ask yourself if maybe it’s not them but it’s actually you!
It’s much easier to blame other people, especially because taking responsibility means that we have to change and change is difficult. But if you want to transform your love life, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and try to understand if you tend to choose the wrong people – or maybe you tend to fall for someone’s looks or their resources and in turn, end up compromising your values. Remember, I’m not here to shame you – we have all been crazy in love, it’s part of our human design, it has nothing to do with our intelligence, our looks or success in other areas of our life- just take a look at celebrities or famous entrepreneurs and visionaries who are changing the world with their innovations, but are on their second or third divorce.
The big take-away from today’s episode is that love at first sight is a biological fact because on its own, the attraction we feel for someone can set the stage for love, but we need to be aware that it’s not actually love, it’s lust – it’s a basic human drive, it’s a survival mechanism, and it is also an addiction. The disadvantage is that like with any drug, it can become an addiction - Remember my example at the beginning of the episode of how we know it’s probably a bad idea to drunk-dial an Ex, but many of us still do it. Now you know it’s not the tequila, but our subconscious brain motivating us to get a fix. The tequila just disables our executive part of the brain that can control our impulses.
We also need to be aware that like any drug, the drug of romantic love sometimes wears off, and that’s when we start to see someone for whom they really are and we may not always like what we see. But we have to realize that people don’t change, rather our perception of them changes, and our perception and judgment can be clouded by the chemical cocktail of lust.
True love requires two additional factors: intimacy and commitmen and that can only develop with time. When we don’t build a solid foundation of intimacy, when the passion of the initial romantic love phase dies out, the relationship is usually over.
My hope is that with this understanding you will develop your dating and learn to take control of your brain to make better choices in love.
